There have been a lot of things that have happened in my life lately that have caused me to have conversations with folks about the past. It's something...I normally don't think too much about the past...what's behind us is stuff that can't be changed, so why dwell on it? Typically, I don't.
However, like I said, this week, I've had conversations about what has led me to be where I am today, and with a somewhat bitter voice (At least I think I probably don't disguise it well, so the bitterness seeps through, if not in my voice and tone, then with the sarcasm. Hey...it's just me!) I have chatted fairly candidly about all that. And, to one individual that knows who she is, I have tried to voice things that couldn't be voiced to anyone else, because I'm certain she gets it. The feeling that comes with the hard work for something you believe in, something you want, and something you feel like you rightly deserve, but then the world thinks otherwise is one that is familiar to Friend, just like it is to me. You know the one? Well, the bitterness comes in there: why am I not there, doing that, when I thought I would be, think I should be?
And then I have to stop and think. Again. Back to....well....always, I guess. I was going to say 2000, then I thought nope, wait....when I was 16 and had Kate. Then I thought...wait...wasn't I just TWO when I kicked that window out? Even then, I was stubborn, and taking the unconventional way to get from point A to point B. And while a lot of people seem to think that I am (or was) crazy, I've always felt a certainty about my choices, and been peacefull in my heart and soul about what it was I was doing. I've always known that I might have to work hard to _______________ <-------insert whatever word or phrase here. But I also knew that no matter what others thought, I was doing what was right, being where God wanted me to be. And that is the bottom line....that is what gives me the peace that I have.
As I continue on my unconventional road, being happy, not necessarily practical, I am reminded here and there that life is good, and I am in good hands. After all, whose hands are better to be held in that that of our Father? I can think of no other hands that would compare, and I am happy to be one of His children...I know of no other father that can paint a spectaculare rainbow like this one in the sky for me, especially on a day when I really needed to see one.
The day I needed this one was on one of the particularly harsh days I had at my last job, and as I drive home, this is what I saw, even through my tears and bewilderment. A promise from God for me. All because He loves me!
I am slowly and surely learning to be content with what I have, where I am, all the time....it's definitely a work in progress.